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As part of the venue’s week long birthday celebrations that includes a Roller Disco and One Small Step, two forward facing labels, the canny Glasgow-based Night School and Opal Tapes will be going head-to-head in an effort to move your arms from the folded position to a flailing non-position. Well apart from Wanda Group, I’m not sure what he wants your arms to do. His submerged, spellbinding freeform electronic trips have been some of the most essential work on Opal Tapes. So before the party starts, we thought we’d get Lou (aka Wanda Group) to guide you through the art of parties.

Take it Lou…

I HAVE NEVER THROWN A PARTY BEFORE SO HERE WE GO. THE PARTY NEEDS TO HAVE A DATE, I THINK. I MEAN IF PEOPLE WANT TO TURN UP AND YOU WANT PEOPLE TO TURN UP, THEN I GUESS YOU SHOULD HAVE A SET DATE.

SO LET’S SAY THE PARTY IS SET FOR NEXT WEDNESDAY. LET’S PRETEND THAT TODAY IS TUESDAY. NEXT WEDNESDAY TURNS OUT TO BE TOMORROW. YOU DID HAVE A WEEK BUT YOU WAS TOO WORRIED ABOUT WORK, YOUR WIFE, CHILD, FAMILY, IMPENDING DEATH AND YOUR EXPENSIVE CAR THAT YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE PARTY.

RIGHT. YOU HAVE ONE DAY TO SORT OUT OR ‘THROW THE PARTY’. LET’S GET A MOVE ON. I AM SITTING IN A ROOM TYPING AWAY INTO AN EMAIL ABOUT HOW TO THROW A PARTY, SO I HAVE NO REAL CONCERN ABOUT IT. YOU SHOULD, THOUGH. YOU HAVE ONE FUCKIN DAY LEFT. RIGHT.

SO. YOU HAVE FRIENDS ? IS THIS PARTY FOR FRIENDS ?

WHAT IS THE PARTY FOR ? CHARITY ? A BIRTHDAY ? A DANCE CLUB ? OPERA PARTY ?

LET’S SAY IT’S FOR AN OPERA PARTY. OKAY.

YOU NEED TO WORK OUT WHAT PLACE YOU WANT THIS. LET’S SAY YOU HAVE CHOSEN THE OPERA HOUSE DOWN THE ROAD FROM YOU. THERE IS NO OPERA HOUSE ? OKAY

YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO THE LOCAL WORKING MANS CLUB. THEY HAVE SAID YES. YOU JUST PHONED THEM UP. ‘YEAH, COURSE YOU CAN HAVE YOUR FUCKIN SHOUTY ITALIAN OR GERMAN STUFF IN OUR CLUB’

YOU HAVE TO PAY THEM THIRTY QUID FOR THE ROOM. YOU NEED A BAR ?

YEAH, COURSE. PEOPLE WHO LIKE OPERA ALSO LIKE WINE, I THINK ?

SO YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE THE WORKING MANS CLUB HAS NICE WINE AND A MEMBER OF STAFF TO WORK THE BAR. WILL THIS BE EXTRA ? ‘YES’ THE MANAGER PERSON SAYS

TWO GRAND EXTRA.

YOU PAY UP. NOW YOU NEED TO CREATE FLYERS AND LET PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT. OH SHIT. HAVE YOU BOOKED THE MAIN OPERA ACT ?

NO ?

YOU HAVE TWO HOURS. DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU WANT ?

YES

OKAY. RIGHT. CALL THEM UP OR EMAIL THEM.

OKAY. THEY ARE BOOKED. HOW MUCH ?

72 GRAND FOR THE NIGHT INCLUDING THE ORCHESTRA AND THE MAKE UP, WARDROBE AND P.A

NOT BAD.

NOW THE FLYER. OKAY. GO TO THE LOCAL INTERNET CAFE OR USE YOUR OWN PRINTER. INK IS EXPENSIVE.

THAT WILL BE ANOTHER 89 GRAND.

RIGHT. YOU HAVE JUST CREATED YOUR FLYER. IT LOOKS GREAT. MS PAINT WILL DO. EVEN MS NOTEPAD. YOU HAVE A MAC ?

AINT YOU FUCKIN IMPORTANT.

OKAY. YOU HAVE PRINTED OUT THE FLYERS. NOW GET PEOPLE TO GIVE THEM OUT.

OUTSIDE THE LOCAL OFFIE, CHIP SHOP, KEBAB PLACE, NCP, PUB, CLUB, BAR, ITALIAN RESTAURANT, BOOK SHOP, BETTING SHOP, POUNDLAND, ASDA, LIBRARY AND EVEN JUST FUCKIN WALK ABOUT THE LOCAL TOWN JUST THROWING THEM ABOUT. GO UP ON THE ROOF AND JUST LOB THE CUNTS.

RIGHT. PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW BUY TICKETS.

SHIT. YOU ONLY HAVE TEN MINUTES. USE PAYPAL. DID YOU PUT YOUR PAYPAL EMAIL ON THE FLYER ?

YOU DID ?

WELL DONE YOU FUCKIN SMART CUNT.

PEOPLE HAVE NOW BOUGHT TONS OF FUCKIN TICKETS AND YOU HAVE SOLD OUT.

RIGHT. YOU CAN RELAX A BIT.

YOU ARE NOW INSIDE THE VENUE AND YOU ARE WATCHING AND LISTENING TO BEAUTIFUL OPERA MUSIC. PEOPLE ARE CRYING AND NOW THEY ARE CLAPPING. PEOPLE EVEN STOOD UP AND CLAPPED.

YOU FUCKIN CHAMP. WELL DONE. THE NIGHT IS OVER AND YOU HAVE MADE BACK ALL YOUR MONEY AND YOU HAVE ABOUT TEN QUID IN PROFIT.

USE IT ON THE CAB HOME.

OR WALK ?

YOU WALKED.

HEALTHY CUNT, EH. GOOD WORK.

SPEND THE TENNER ON FUCKIN HUNGRY HOUSE.COM IF YOU WANT. I HAVE DONE MY JOB AND I AM OFF.

EASY, RIGHT ?

VERY.

YES.

I AGREE.

YOU DO ?

AMAZING.

THANKS.

TA’